The Rise and Fall of the 95 theses.
I wrote the 95 theses.
I know, I know. Not exactly a breaking piece of news worthy of the Drudge siren. It’s more like breathlessly revealing that, guess what, Stalin, of all people, was behind the assassination of Trotsky! And that OJ fellow? He might have had a hand – or at least glove – in the murder of his wife!
Jessica Davis guessed that I had written those three-page incendiary mere moments after it was discovered. It only took Galen Sanford and Jessica Carrier a few days to figure it out.
And I’m guessing even administration – Mandeville and the RDs – had a pretty good inkling of whodunit. They didn’t attempt to prosecute me because four others had, like Abraham’s ram, taken my place. The requisite quota of punishment was met, so there was no need to drag my paranoid, trembling self in.
So, it’s not like the following information is a surprising confession to anyone.
Nor is it necessarily a defense of the theses. It’s also not an apology. It’s neither bragging nor regretting.
Instead, it’s merely a record, on paper (or screen) of the events that unfolded on the night of October 31, 2006. It’s purely a correction on the misinformation you think you know, and elaboration on the information you do know.
This is a first person account of rise and fall of the prank that made both the local evening news and Sportsillustrated.com.
 |
Granted, the prank happened over a year ago. The conversations are reproduced and stylized from my hazy memory. Exact accuracy is not to be expected. If you want to correct something, that’s what the comments section is for.
For those of you who already know of the 95 theses tornado of a saga, this will add facts to your assumptions.
For those of you who are going “95 what??” then buckle your seatbelt, release the parking break, and ignite the ignition.
You’re in for a wild, convoluted, ride.
Top Ten List Commemoration #9
When Cory asked me to write this column a few months back, I couldn’t believe it. My reaction was something to the effect of, “Are you kidding me? I don’t think anyone can actually do that list justice.” Yet here we are, three weeks from the end of the school year, and I’m giving you the Top Ten Songs of 2004-2008.
First of all, this list is useless if you can’t listen for yourself. For your convenience, I’ve posted a link to a YouTube video of each song as it is on the album. Some of them are official music videos, while others are just set up by fans so that people can hear the song for free. I also have to give you a caveat – I realize this list is every bit as subjective as my Top Ten Albums lists are at the end of each year. These are songs that I love desperately, but I realize that not everyone will enjoy them as much as I do. If you disagree with me, that’s great! Post your suggestions in the comments. I will admit right up front that there are a couple of genres that I have missed. Specifically, I can’t stand country music and I don’t think there were very many great rap songs in the past four years. Again, if you think one of them deserves to be on this list, write it in the comments. Prove me wrong.
One final note before we dive in – It’s an absurd idea to try and narrow your iTunes library down to the ten best songs of any era, especially a full four-year span. It is absolutely insane. But I have to recommend it – read this column, agree or disagree with me, and then go make your own list. I’d love to see it, and hopefully we can all discover some great new music together.
Bill Robinson Does Not Know My Name
We have all seen him, strolling about campus, waving, smiling, and of course, saying hello to as many students, staff, and faculty members as he can, “Hello Peter. Hi John, how are you Mary? Good to see you Amy.” His ability to remember names borders on the realm of white magic. Whitworth is a small school, but to be able to recall names at will like that is incredible. But, I have discovered the well guarded secret of how he does it. But first, I will explain how I reached this conclusion.
It was a Saturday morning and I was walking across campus. It was early, around 8 am, so I did not see any other students about. I was walking along the road behind Ballard, when B-Rob himself came bounding around the corner in full jogging attire. I gave him a polite wave and a smile, and as he passed he said, “Hi Rod.”
I was puzzled. It took me a moment, but I turned, perhaps to say, “Uhhh, that’s not my name,” but he was already gone. The man is a gazelle.
And that is how I figured it out. He does not really know all those names, he just walks around campus rattling off common names into crowds, “Hello Peter. Hi John, how are you Mary? Good to see you Amy,” and everyone assumes he is talking to someone else. He made the mistake of calling me Rod when there was no one else around, because if there had been another person around, even a woman, I would have assumed that her name was Rod.
I could be wrong however, because I must confess, I have considered the possibility that B-Rob accidentally mixed up my name with my father’s. Yes, my dad’s name is Rod, and as far as I know they have never met, nor have they ever been in the same room. But if that is the case, I would be quite impressed.
Top Ten List Commemoration #8
After the intense discussion generated last week over the simple topic of movies, do I dare go out on the limb of politics?…yea, I do.
This week’s list is the Top Ten American Political Moments of 2004-2008. I researched a good 10-12 news magazine and newspaper sites about major events in the political field in the past few years and, wouldn’t you know it, the only thing anybody felt like talking about were scandals. I’ve tried my darndest to avoid them as much as possible, but some have still made it on the list. What I do believe I’ve done is pick moments that were either incredibly unique in American history or affected the course of politics somehow.
I look forward to hearing your comments. I’m totally fine with people calling my lists stupid and wanting to disagree with them 100%. But after last week, I feel that I have to make one appeal: please tell me why. Saying “you’re dumb” is dumb. Saying “you’re dumb, and here’s why” is awesome. I imagine that, informed or not, rational or not, communist or not, everybody’s got some opinion on politics. It’s not the most friendly of topics to discuss. All I ask this week is that we keep our comments as balanced and well-informed as possible. And if we fail at that, well, at least it’ll be fun.
Make Your Case: Television
We’ve had some pretty spirited conversation about movies in Cory Marshall’s greatest films post, and I’d like to open debate for a similar topic without waiting for debate to open in a comment thread, or hijacking another person’s post.
Television is a varied enough medium that trying to declare any one show the best or most influential runs into a host of problems. Should the genre be limited — best comedy? Best drama? Should quality be the standard for selection, or influence? What role should popularity play? How important is originality?
I’d like to open the topic for discussion. To kick off debate, I’ll throw out two unsupported declarations for the frontrunners in my mind: Twin Peaks and The Simpsons. So: Attack! Defend! All in the spirit of lively discussion.
The Depressing Use of Pascal’s Wager in Core 350
Those who have gone through the Core program at Whitworth are probably at least familiar with the name Blaise Pascal. The man’s risk/benefit analysis has been used to encourage the doubtful to believe in God’s existence, because the risk of not believing in God is greater than the risk of believing in God and being wrong. Or so the claim goes.
It is usually diagrammed thus:
Students in Core today were told to envision global climate change the same way – considering the risk/benefit analysis of believing global warming is a real phenomenon. It’s stupid, and I’ll explain why.
There are four options from this angle. Just like in the four boxes above.
1. You don’t believe in global warming, and global warming is false.
2. You believe in global warming, and global warming is false.
3. You believe in global warming, and global warming is true
4. You don’t believe in global warming, and global warming is true.
Logically, we are told, the first option is not that bad – you drive your hummer, the earth thrives. The second option is also pretty decent – you try to conserve the environment, but it doesn’t really help much. Maybe it’s a slight inconvenience. The third option is helpful – you try to save the planet, and in so doing, you save humanity! The fourth option, of course, is very bad – you harm the environment, and due to your contributions, the planet goes kaput.
This is all very well and good, but Pascal’s Wager A) is stupid if you use it the way people usually do, and B) does not apply if you use it correctly.
A) Here’s how it’s stupid: Try the same exercise, but take any life-threatening story you read in one of those grocery store checkout magazines about killer pterodactyl zombies or something (as a side note – I couldn’t remember the name of that magazine, so I did a quick google search for “Jesus, prophecy, aliens” and was taken aback by the number of legitimate, serious Christian websites that popped up).
1. The pterodactyl zombies exist, but you don’t believe in them
2. The pterodactyl zombies don’t exist, and you don’t believe in them
3. The pterodactyl zombies exist, and you believe in them
4. The pterodactyl zombies don’t exist, and you believe in them
By the same risk/benefit analysis, it’s pretty obvious that you’re better off believing the pterodactyl zombies exist. It’s safer.
The truth is, though, you can’t make something true (like global warming) just by considering which options are the most risky.
The same, by the way, is true of the God/not God argument – with an infinite number of possible gods (including the Almighty God of Cheese, who punishes those who don’t eat their daily amount of dairy product), Pascal’s Wager becomes much more lively! It almost becomes better not to believe in any gods, for the sake of not angering all the myriad of other possible gods by accident, if you pick the wrong one.
Top Ten List Commemoration #7
The Sun is out, it’s the weekend, people are in shorts and sandals and spring dresses, Omache Field finally opened…let’s do another just-for-fun list to celebrate. It only seems logical that any top ten special is going to have to consider Hollywood eventually, and I’m no exception. It’s time to bring out the Greatest Movies of 2004-2008 list.
The key to this list is the word “greatest.” Not “funniest,” not “favorite,” not “most-awesomenest.” You can recognize a movie as being great even if you hated the thing. Great can mean it fulfilled it’s duty as a movie, or great can mean it went beyond mere entertainment. It’s up to you. So keep that in mind and if you’re inside this weekend not playing in the sun for–hopefully–no more than five minutes at any given time and feel like dropping a comment, by all means do so. Meanwhile, I’m going to play frisbee.
Radio: What you need to know
If you were to tune into 90.3 FM you would hear the sounds of masters at work. That’s right, I’m talking about the KWRS DJ’s. Have you ever wondered what goes on up in the radio booth to produce a successful show? It’s not all sittin’ back and groovin’ to your favorite tunes, that’s for sure. In fact, in order to survive as a DJ for KWRS you have to master some key techniques and know how to tame some uncooperative equipment.
The CD Player
The gigantic machine known as “CD 2” is the only working CD player in the station. It looks like it was probably a shiny, new instrument somewhere around the year 1980. Now it has been reduced to a temperamental, often malfunctioning device that flashes obscure neon green messages instead of playing the desired song.
The Microphones
If you have a radio show with two people, you will need to make use of two mics in the booth. The second microphone is a fickle contraption that takes some getting used to. It is best to hold down the buttons to keep the second mic on so as to avoid a strange broadcast of a one-sided conversation because only one DJ can be heard.
The Phone
Perhaps if you are lucky enough to have a listener, he or she might call in. This is an extremely exciting event and a milestone in your radiobroadcasting career. That is, if the caller is someone besides your mother calling in to request “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” And yes, that did happen to a new DJ on her first show this semester.
Receiving a phone call is easy enough if you don’t put the call on the air. However, if you want the conversation to be broadcasted, then be aware that it is virtually impossible to hear what the caller is saying through the DJ headphones. Radio technicians have tried to fix this inconvenience, but have not yet been successful.
Because of this it is wise for a DJ to keep a smattering of generic phrases handy that could be used as a response to anything said by the caller. Some of these might include a candid laugh followed by, “Alright, we’ll get that song on for ya” or “I love this song too! Let’s take a listen…”
Education of the Mind and Art
Writing by Daniel Walters, Photos by Thomas Robinson and Corbis.com
Many of you know me as “Daniel Walters the Writer” or “Daniel Walters the Warren Senator” or “Daniel Walters the Super Smash Brothers player (usually as Kirby)”.
But few know me as “Daniel Walters the artist.” Yes, I’m quite the art man, from my first masterpiece “Happy Mothers Day in the Macaroni Medium” and my magnum opus, “Helicopter shooting at a giant alien,” done on a Whiteboard canvas in the Sharpie medium.
Which makes me the perfect tour guide, to show you the artistic wonders of the Junior Art Exhibit.
Remember, the intent of the artist is not what is important in art. What is important is what we see in art; how art can truly show us what lies in the depths of our subconscious, within our soul.
I will look past the layers off oil and tempera and find the true meaning of the artwork.
Then, gentle reader, you will be enlightened.
The Petri Dish of Whitworth Culture
The Whitworthian (maybe you’ve heard of it) featured a special section on Whitworth culture — and trying to define exactly what Whitworth is.
It’s not easy. As usual, everybody seems to know what “the typical Whitworth student” is, but few can actually point to examples. Everybody, in their own way, is an exception to the rule.
Probably most interesting are some of the video features, featuring real, live Whitworth students giving their opinions on what makes Whitworth, Whitworth, and not, say, Whitman.
So what’s your take on Whitworth Culture? What are it’s strengths, and problems? As the school changes, what should we try to preserved at all costs?