Hola, mi nombre es Señor Art Exhibit.
May 1, 2008 | Contributed by Thomas Robinson
Pictures by Thomas Robinson.
Captions by Daniel Walters
Art by the respective artists.
First the Junior art students, in a creative masterstroke, come out with a “Junior Art Exhibit.” Critics loved it, fans loved it, it was a box office smash.
And now, less than a month later, the Senior art students are producing a Senior art exhibit. It’s even in the exact same gallery.
*Tsk tsk tsk.* There’s a fine line between “homage” and “ripoff.”
The official name for the Senior Art Exhibit is called “School of Hard NOX” a subtle reference to the classic 1994 inspirational film, where English Teacher Caleb Knox teaches a group of smartmouth inner city kids by using a combination of tough-as-nails discipline tactics and rousing inspirational rap songs about synecdoche to show that poetry is just as powerful as prostitution.
I’m sure you’ve seen it.
Thomas and I asked the Senior art students if I could review their art pieces — and by “review,” I mean make bullet-point comments on what the art pieces sorta kinda almost look like, to a plebe like me. For some reason, they didn’t say No.
Before I move on the main event, let me say this about the Senior exhibit: It was a great show, but the entire time, I was tempted to sneak back in around 3:00 am, pop the hinges off the gallery door, and replace all the student art with Ruben Trejo’s banana sculptures. There’d be a certain karmic alignment it would achieve.
Now that that’s out of the way, onward and artward!
We Didn’t Have Anywhere Else to Sleep.
Cassie Swayze
17.5 x 14″
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- This piece wasn’t nearly as delicious, until the artist spilled an Oreo McFlurry on it. Lickable art, people. Wave of the future.
- Just when high-rise Tokyo apartment complexes, thought they were safe from giant mutant monster attacks, they face the onslaught of a massive Shambling Icosidodecahedron Wireframe monster. Run, little citizens, run!
- The architecture of this apartment building is slightly modernistic, but moreso, inspired by the horrible tiled backgrounds of MySpace pages of 15-year-olds. If you need evidence that human nature is fallen, take a gander at that apartment: Such is man’s inhumanity to architecture.
- If Umbrella man continues forward, oblivious to his vertical plight, he’ll be safe and sound. If, however, he takes notice that he’s walking on thin air several hundred feet above ground, his eyes will inevitably bug out, his feet will windmill and his arms will flail, all before plummeting down to the canyon depths below. Stupid ACME umbrellas aren’t worth crap.
- This is like one of those optical illusions. Is that the Umbrella Man’s leg? Or the dancing girl’s really odd nightcap? Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
- [Insert your own Scrapbooking joke here]
I Miss You.
Cassie Swayze
17.5 x 14″
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- Awwww. I’ll miss you too, Cassie Swayze.
- Don’t you hate when you open a book and find that your mom has been using it to press flowers, and even more surprisingly, press miniature Asian children. Me too.
- My real problem with this piece of artwork is that the photographs are getting in the way of reading a fascinating dictionary entry.
- Man, Grandma has NO IDEA what’s happening. She’s just going to ignore the chaos around her, concentrate on her book until the background turns back into the Rolling Hills Retirement home like it’s supposed to be. That’s what happens when you steal Edna’s pills, Grandma.
You Were a Chain Smoker.
Cassie Swayze
17.5 x 14″
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- Somehow, Swayze got a hold of a Whitworth College Brochure from 1973. Back then, the theme for Initiation was “Growing Massive Grizzly beards of the Mind and Heart.”
- In the 1970, the “Albino Tribble” was the fashionable hat of the Paris Elite.
Jersey Boys
Kara Hyatt
11 x 17″
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- Ah, yes, “Jersey Boys” the inevitable sequel to Kevin Smith’s magnum opus.
- The silhouetted man is only going to reach the top of that microphone by slowing scaling it, making basecamp in the middle, and then eventually reaching the summit two days later.
- He’s either a skinny man playing the guitar, or a fat man ready to shoot a studded bazooka.
- I washed my computer screen for twenty-minutes until I realized the spots were part of the artwork, and not just grime on my monitor.
Century Gothic
Kara Hyatt
11 x 17″
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- Hey, it’s the English Alphabet, from the hit song, “The ABCs!” Glad to see a homage to the old classic.
- Isn’t sad how the mainstream media obsesses over letters like “A” and “Z” merely because of their youth and beauty, while ignoring truly interesting letters like “G” and “little w”?
- Of course, all this Alpha Bits business is simply a cover for the secret message. All the red letters spell “CENRTUYcghiot” Unscrambled, of course, that spells “Etching Outcry,” “The Grout Cynic” or “Hectic Orgy Nut.” Deep.
- Or maybe, you know, “CENTURY Gothic.” That’s always a possibility.
- Wow, that Z sure is spouting off a long line of profanity. Cursing like a zailor.
That’s Great.
Kaitlin Trott
18 x 24″
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“when are you going to get some real work done?”
- I was a camp counselor, and let me promise you, eight-year-old girls look exactly like this when they’re mad.
- Somebody overdid the mascara.
- Now, I’m not accusing these little girls of taking drugs, but do their pupils seem… dilated to you?
- Originally id Software had planned to make these girls the “floating head” enemy, instead of the flying, flaming, skulls, but the ERSB made them take it out for being “likely to give kids — and adults — nightmares.
- I love it when you go to Value Village and find a chair, the perfect chair, a cheap chair, a chair literally glowing with perfection. Or maybe asbestos.
- If this were an Adventure Game, the yellow outline would totally mean we’d be able to pick up that Chair and slip it in our inventory.
- I’m just going to explain the deep red stain on the other chair as “somebody sat on a strawberry-grape jelly sandwich.” It’s a more comforting explanation than the alternatives. Like, say, a boysenberry jelly sandwich.
Influo
Thayere Wild
11″ x 15″
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- The ensuing battle between the Great White Shark and the Giant Squid left massive injuries on both sides, and no sign of poor little Nemo.
Untitled 1
Stefan Robinson
24 x 48″
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- It’s like a fusion of melted Skittles and water damage.
- Or maybe the world’s biggest closeup of a clown wig, slightly stained with mildew.
- This painting actually spins if you deign to twirl it. This is entertaining for three or four hours, after which it just becomes repetitive.
- The painting gives a vibe of “soft, but slightly poisonous.”
Erosion
Maddison Colvin
13 x 16″
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- See! This is what happens when you leave your hands in the Hot Tub too long. Why didn’t you listen!
- Even the fingers have fingers!
- While all the other Sith Lords shot forked bolts of lightning from their fingertips, Darth Mysteriouso shot forked streams of molasses. But isn’t that, in a way, even more frightening.
- You can tell this image is French by the horrific forest of tangled hair swarming tentacle-like, from that female figure’s armpit.
- The medium: Charcoal. The canvas: Either Birch Tree Bark, or the wall in my basement around the dartboard.
Usnea
Maddison Colvin
32 x 24″
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- This is what I imagine the Bathroom floor of the “Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll” theme house looked like after one of their Communist parties.
- Some paintings use a little bit of texture to accentuate the painting. This one is downright topographical. You could literally be running by this painting and the texture would closeline you and knock you to the ground.
- Art critique: “I really like the Mannequin heads, but if you wanted to, like, you know, make it more edgy and stuff, you could put one of the Mannequins in a shirt from the GAP. It could be a powerful statement against the consumerism that, like, pervades America. Just an idea.”
- The title “Usnea” brings to mind the words “nasea” “urea”"nasal” and “ooze,” all of which match this image’s color scheme.
Friends in High Places
Betty Gardner
8.5 x 11″
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- So, from this vague artistic work, let’s try to ascertain the general political philosophy of the artist. What do you think? Republican? Tory? One of those people that avoid discussing politics with their peers, because they don’t want to alienate anyone or make anyone uncomfortable?
- Whoops! The artist put the American flag upside down, which, is disrespectful to the flag. I’m sure that this was a honest mistake and was in no way meant as disrespect to the flag, the country, the leaders, or their unilateral, illegal, dictatorial, monkey-brained, jingoistic decisions.
- Ah, George Bush is shadowed by his slightly larger, much more monochrome doubleganger. This represents George Bush’s duplicitous nature, as evidenced by the three-week period during 2003 when the United States was briefly run by the goateed Evil Bush.
- Thousands of naked people may seem scary, but it’s just not the same when they’re only 6 inches high. As long as you keep your jeans tucked into your socks so they can’t crawl up your legs you should be fine.
- The liberty bell represents the War in Iraq.
The Three Stooges
Betty Gardner
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- From right to left: Condoleezza Rice, President George W. Bush, and… West Wing Presidential Candidate Arnold Vinick , as played by Alan Alda?
- I know I’m supposed to avoid Pee Wee Herman references but President Bush looks so much like a depressed Paul Reubens that I can’t help it.
- I’m pretty sure you can use that Condoleezza Rice puppet to crack small walnuts.
- Deep down, once you look past the bombast and the swagger and the drawl and the pretzels, all George W. Bush really wants is to be a real boy.
- Of course, this a representation of the popular conspiracy theory currently in vogue with the Far Left: That the president, vice-president, and secretary of state are secretly puppets, controlled by a mastermind named Stromboli. I don’t care what Popular Mechanics claims, it’s too unbelievable not to believe.
- The pretend horse represents the War in Iraq.
CD Package
Megan Baker
22 x 28″
 |
- Despite the references to Rock and Roll and Pat Benetar, the general style makes me think it’s from one of those Alanis Morissetteish angsty womyn bands, that sets feminist screeds to song, and in doing so, both reinforces all feminist stereotypes and inspires a new generation of chauvinism. Or maybe I just have some inherent prejudice against the color dark pink.
- This design is actually pretty melancholic and thought-provoking, which is funny considering that the songs “One way or another” and “I love Rock and Roll” …aren’t.
- Hey, and it comes with a free American Online CD featuring 10,000 hours (in one month) of free internet. That’s art you can use.
- Sadly, we’re missing the CD with the special “making of” features, and director’s commentary.
Class of ‘68
Amy Newton
82 x 49″
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- Belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, pockets, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts, belts… wait, we interrupts this program for an important message from the President of the United States of America: Belts.
- There are 13 pieces here, all involving belts. Maybe a fourteenth is what it needs to truly communicate the belty message’s nuance.
- Most psychologists would look at this piece and become absolutely convinced that the artist’s father beat the artist as a kid. But beat with what?
- Sorry. That last comment was below the belt.
- The colors and glossy sheen used are very rare, mainly used only in these pieces, and, well, most garden gnomes.
- I’ve heard rumors that there’s a house in Austin, Texas where the walls and the very ground are tiled with these pieces of artwork, hundreds of thousands of them. Homeland security uses it to interrogate minimalists.
- I sifted through all the pockets, but all I found was 13 cents in change, a paperclip, and crumpled up receipt from Taco Bell.
Class of ‘68 detail
Amy Newton
82 x 49″
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- Here’s a closer look at one of the Beltwork pieces, which uses the medium of belts and the canvas of pants! These may look like just a few belts, with some paint here and paint there, but it means far more than that. It’s a non-too-subtle histogram of U.S. belt export rates over the last 10 years. That dip in the middle was from when we outsourced much of our rust belt industry to Indochina. Now, however, with the US dollar at an all time low, our exports — especially belt exports – are accelerating at an unmatched pace. Honestly, a pretty impressive bout of information to be contained within a single art piece.
Sculpture
Betty Gardner
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- Wow, look at the size of her… eyes. At least that’s what I see. I see a beehive hairdo, a pair of Steve Buscemi bulging eyeballs, a pursed, whistling mouth and a French Fork beard.
- If this were smaller, you could put it in your pocket and the top could pop off to allow you to drink alcohol contained within.
- Either that or it’s just a giant, fat, grenade.
- Try to push this sculpture over all you want, it’ll just wobble back up.
Wall Installation
Stefan Robinson
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- Mmm…. Rainbow Sherbet.
- Leonard Oakland gave his students permissions to doodle on the Westminster walls — because they were going to be torn down anyway — stepped out of the room for a moment, and came back to this. Darn creative types.
- It’s a scene from the classic novel, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Wallpaper, where a man has 11 brothers, who lock him in a room until he goes insane and starts hallucinating that the wall paper is trying to kill him.
- To a person suffering from synesthesia viewing this room feels like getting punched in the mouth, tastes like Zounds! flavor cotton candy, and sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks warbling “Livin’ la Vida Loca” at 180 decibels.
- The pipe hanging from the ceiling represents the War in Iraq.
Comments
One Response to “Hola, mi nombre es Señor Art Exhibit.”
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HAH!
I don’t regret letting you do this. It even made me “L O L” as the kids say these days.